Am I growing or falling away?

Seasons in your walk with the Lord are often hard to discern. It’s a journey of discovering the ways of God that produce mature love for Jesus. I remember asking the Lord, “Am I growing or am I falling away?” I didn’t know, and I didn’t know because I didn’t have a clear understanding of what it meant to follow Jesus and that He was committed to me maturing in my relationship with him. When I prayed “Lord make me more like you” I didn’t understand that He answered me by allowing me to walk through purifying circumstances.

My journey with the Lord started with my full force zeal pointed at the Lord like a cannon. My zeal was contagious and obnoxious at the same time.  I thought it was my responsibility to maintain it. Like Peter, I made bold claims about what I would do and what I would never do. I wasn’t expecting to be disillusioned with myself and I didn’t know that human zeal ran out.

Spiritual Crisis

I had a spiritual crisis.  I began to see my sin in a more pronounced kind of way like a blemish on the end of your nose.  Condemnation began to slip over me. My spiritual vigor was waining and I assumed the Lord was disappointed in my weakness. I was preparing to settle the fact the intimacy with Jesus was a thing of the past.

I had an aha moment when I realized that God already knew that I would enter into this season of life and that He wasn’t surprised with my sin. In fact, He already died for my past, present, and future sin.  I didn’t have to renegotiate the terms of my salvation because it was about Him and His ways, not me.  I did nothing to earn it in the first place.

Song of Solomon 1:5

I saw this reality in the Song of Songs in SOS 1:5 “I am dark but Lovely”. The whole truth about my spiritual state wasn’t about my performance it was about His performance.  He performed the most amazing act. I was dead in my sin He loved me and He gave me His righteousness.  Gratitude began to grow in my heart for what the Lord had done for me. That understanding changed the way I approached Him I began to approach Him with confidence.

The Song of Solomon came alive to me in a new way and I started seeing the journey that a believer goes through. That journey is essential to develop a mature love for Jesus. My testing stopped feeling like rejection and more like love.

Through my book the Journey I describe a lot of my own story as seen through the seasons that the bride goes through in the Song of Solomon. In the Song of Solomon, we see the bride walk through zeal, disillusionment, finding her identity in the cross and believing that the Lord’s banner over her is love to turning the Lord away out of fear when He challenged the comfort zone. You can see the ways of God throughout the Song of Solomon and the invitation to follow Him. We are invited to follow Him on the mountains and in the valleys and to learn to serve and not be offended even when we are miss-treated. I understand that God’s highest call for me is to love Him above all else. In every season and He is more committed to accomplishing this in my life than I am.

You can read about my story and the Song of Solomon in my new book The Journey